I have ben doing these little random post on my Facebook page called "Confessions of an Attention Whore." Lets face it we all like attention and the thing about it is, depending on where you are in life the type of attention does not matter. Meaning positive or negative. I like both I have recently discovered about myself.
I have recently moved back home and I am trying to get acclimated to the small town life again. It is surreal to be home. It is funny though, I couldn't wait to leave and see new things and live in a new place. Well now I just want to be here. I have had offers to come back to Florida and I have had offers to move to other states as well. The thing is I truly love my home town. I never thought I would but I guess I always did. Driving through it and being in it gives me a sense of pride. I desire to be a part of the community and to add to it. There are still a lot of small minded people here and a lot of people who didn't like me because I didn't have the right last name or come from money. But there is a lot of people I grew up with, worked for, worked beside, remained friends with or even have reconnected with that like me for me. They are the ones who really matter and the ones that I concern myself with. The few good people actually seem like a lot more than the bad ones.
The funny thing was when I came back everyone came out of the woodwork and wanted to hang out or reconnect. It was very overwhelming but it makes one feel good to have that positive energy and experience. Like I said I like attention. As you may or may not know I am single and have no children. Some may know a lot about my past and some may know very little. Being home has put me on even more of a self discovery and one day I might even write a book just to put it out there so those who actually want the whole story can have it. But for today we will stick to this little blog that no one reads.
Love and attention. That is a combination topic for some and for others it goes hand and hand. For me it is one. I have been in love once truly but I am hesitant to say that because I was in love with who he said he was. My type is simple. I like "The Busy Man". I like to do my own thing and at the end of the day be there for him and do things for him. I am all about pleasing my man. I am a combination of old fashioned and goal oriented. I will cook, clean, take care of children, and so much more; and all I want in return is a few hours to myself a day and someone who is only having sex with me. And that includes all forms of sexual activity for those who like to define sex only as penetration. Sorry if this is to real for you, I don't have a filter. Yes I want love and respect as well but my point is I am not a rule setter and I'm not the one to demand anything. I just want his attention at the end of the day.
Now some of you are saying well there's got to be more. But not really. I am willing to give it all just to be a part of something. I don't want to be off doing my own thing for long. I have had serious relationships and neither of them have been a sort of togetherness. I have always been expected to do my own thing so they could do their own thing. That is fine to an extent. But there was no coming together at all. Separate bedrooms separate lives separate everything. I was not a part of them and they didn't want to be part of me. I had a friend with benefits relationships, but with the title of wife. I want to be there for some one at the end of the day. I want someone to please and someone to protect me. And for this attention whore I hope it is out there.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Sport's Fan Girl
Some times people can say things that make you feel like you have to explain yourself. I see this more in women than men. I always feel like I have to explain myself. I feel like I have to justify my every action to every person I come across. But the truth is I really don't. What is the biggest question we always ask? Why? Why this and why that? Well recently I felt as though I had to justify myself and it angered me and made me feel so horrible. If you know me then you know I love sports I always have, yet my enthusiasm increases and decreases based on what's going on in my life. I have been the super fan and I have been seen as the anti fan.
I have been through a lot of heart break and I don't want to stay depressed. So I have to find what makes me happy and get into it. First and foremost what makes me happy is taking care of people. But it's just me and no one to take care of. So the next thing I like is sports. I am a volleyball player and I am a huge hockey fan. I can stay on a volleyball court all day. Or I could stay in a hockey rink all day. I also enjoy football. College football more than NFL. But hey football is football. Well back when college football season was starting, someone who I considered to be one of my best friends made a comment on one of my posts that really got to me. The comment was "Ok, I have to ask: when did you become a Buckeye fan? And a die hard one at that? And such a hard core football/fantasy football fan?" I am not really sure what her purpose was but all it did was hurt me. It hurt because of several reasons. It hurt because it sounded like she was accusing me of something. It made me feel like I had to go back over our friendship and explain why she didn't see this side of me. It was the first thing I had heard from her in months. So instead of accepting the hurt I got defensive and explained my football fandom from the age of 10 to 32. Ok a little dramatic but it pissed me off.
Sports and the beach are two things that are personal to me therefore if I do them with others, those people need to consider themselves special. These are the only things in my life that someone hasn't taken away from me. These are my escapes. Hockey makes me feel things that no one ever has. I love everything about hockey. I recently went to a Sabres' game in Sunrise, FL with a great new friend. I had a blast! I couldn't stop taking deep breaths just hoping to take that "hockey smell" with me. I love hockey! There is just something that I can't explain about it. I love what it does to me; its a high that I can't match. It will cure all brokeness and stop tears that remind me of loneliness. The same happens with football and fantasy football; it keeps me busy as well as turns negative energy into positive.
Back to the comments... I think this friend didn't see my fandom because my friendship with her began via our husbands, well mine is now an ex. But what she may not know is that all my ex is or was while we were together is sports. Now I get it men! You love your sports, I do too and there are games I want to see. And hell, on Sunday I want to watch football all day. But his sports addiction was insulting. It was the only thing he cared about. He worked on his fantasy teams and spent his time making sure his phone received every update to every football game, baseball game, hockey game, NASCAR race, every draft update, every breaking news story to every sport. Which fine great wonderful. But he made it personal he treated these updates like they were his only purpose. He couldn't keep his face outta his phone. We had conversations he doesn't remember because he was stuck to the sports updates. He ruined it for me. He could talk all day about NASCAR, baseball and Giants football with anyone. When I wanted to talk about sports or be included or just recognized for being there in his life, it didn't happen. I wanted to be included in his fandom. But there was no room for me. Then he became obsessed with porn and dating websites and had an affair. Who he has only admitted to me and one other person. But to everyone else I was the one who ruined our relationship. I may not have done everything right. Trust me I was a bitch because I was young and did know what love was. But he did everything wrong. Bottom line I just wanted to be included in his life he didn't want to include me. So I created my own life via sports and ministry and music. I have always sought a partnership in relationship, with my ex and those that came after him. I have yet to find it. I am a builder and a support person. I am better at building some one up rather than carrying them.
Avoiding the rabbit trail... My justification in my sports addiction whether others see it or not, lies in who I have become. They make me happy. They make me feel safe. They allow me to create friendships and true bonds that actually have the potential to last. I choose to be happy. I choose peace. I choose to continue to grow and learn about others and myself. I do this alone because I don't want to have another fake person come into my life that want to use me until I have nothing left. I'm good where I am at and I would encourage you to choose to be happy and content where you are. And if you get hurt keep moving and love like it didn't happen.
I have been through a lot of heart break and I don't want to stay depressed. So I have to find what makes me happy and get into it. First and foremost what makes me happy is taking care of people. But it's just me and no one to take care of. So the next thing I like is sports. I am a volleyball player and I am a huge hockey fan. I can stay on a volleyball court all day. Or I could stay in a hockey rink all day. I also enjoy football. College football more than NFL. But hey football is football. Well back when college football season was starting, someone who I considered to be one of my best friends made a comment on one of my posts that really got to me. The comment was "Ok, I have to ask: when did you become a Buckeye fan? And a die hard one at that? And such a hard core football/fantasy football fan?" I am not really sure what her purpose was but all it did was hurt me. It hurt because of several reasons. It hurt because it sounded like she was accusing me of something. It made me feel like I had to go back over our friendship and explain why she didn't see this side of me. It was the first thing I had heard from her in months. So instead of accepting the hurt I got defensive and explained my football fandom from the age of 10 to 32. Ok a little dramatic but it pissed me off.
Sports and the beach are two things that are personal to me therefore if I do them with others, those people need to consider themselves special. These are the only things in my life that someone hasn't taken away from me. These are my escapes. Hockey makes me feel things that no one ever has. I love everything about hockey. I recently went to a Sabres' game in Sunrise, FL with a great new friend. I had a blast! I couldn't stop taking deep breaths just hoping to take that "hockey smell" with me. I love hockey! There is just something that I can't explain about it. I love what it does to me; its a high that I can't match. It will cure all brokeness and stop tears that remind me of loneliness. The same happens with football and fantasy football; it keeps me busy as well as turns negative energy into positive.
Back to the comments... I think this friend didn't see my fandom because my friendship with her began via our husbands, well mine is now an ex. But what she may not know is that all my ex is or was while we were together is sports. Now I get it men! You love your sports, I do too and there are games I want to see. And hell, on Sunday I want to watch football all day. But his sports addiction was insulting. It was the only thing he cared about. He worked on his fantasy teams and spent his time making sure his phone received every update to every football game, baseball game, hockey game, NASCAR race, every draft update, every breaking news story to every sport. Which fine great wonderful. But he made it personal he treated these updates like they were his only purpose. He couldn't keep his face outta his phone. We had conversations he doesn't remember because he was stuck to the sports updates. He ruined it for me. He could talk all day about NASCAR, baseball and Giants football with anyone. When I wanted to talk about sports or be included or just recognized for being there in his life, it didn't happen. I wanted to be included in his fandom. But there was no room for me. Then he became obsessed with porn and dating websites and had an affair. Who he has only admitted to me and one other person. But to everyone else I was the one who ruined our relationship. I may not have done everything right. Trust me I was a bitch because I was young and did know what love was. But he did everything wrong. Bottom line I just wanted to be included in his life he didn't want to include me. So I created my own life via sports and ministry and music. I have always sought a partnership in relationship, with my ex and those that came after him. I have yet to find it. I am a builder and a support person. I am better at building some one up rather than carrying them.
Avoiding the rabbit trail... My justification in my sports addiction whether others see it or not, lies in who I have become. They make me happy. They make me feel safe. They allow me to create friendships and true bonds that actually have the potential to last. I choose to be happy. I choose peace. I choose to continue to grow and learn about others and myself. I do this alone because I don't want to have another fake person come into my life that want to use me until I have nothing left. I'm good where I am at and I would encourage you to choose to be happy and content where you are. And if you get hurt keep moving and love like it didn't happen.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Apology To The Men; The Good Ones
Ladies do you ever get disgusted by other women? I am finding more and more that I am so disgusted and turned off by women and their attitudes. Some women treat their men horribly and these men put up with it. Then when he can't take it any more he leaves, or he grows distant, or he cheats or some thing else as a reaction to the craziness that his girl put on him. Now don't get it twisted I am not saying men are completely innocent in this. There are some men that are lowest of the low. But I notice more women getting crazier and crazier.
I don't want to turn this into some religious post or get up on some soap box, I am just kind of venting here for all those true faithful women who are over looked because some crazy ass bitch messed up a really good guy with her craziness and drama. We were created to help men to walk beside them, to love them.
In my life time I have seen so many different stages of how we as women are supposed to be. And when we get it twisted because we are watching what everyone else is doing, we lose sight of loving our men like they need and want. Yes, yes we have our wants and needs too. However, I think that is the problem. We get so wrapped up in us and we get selfish and don't give the right kind of attention to our men. Now I am a woman and I am only reporting on this side based on what I see, experienced and wrongfully done. Like I said I know there are men out there that have to work on themselves. But let's bring this back to the women and just focus on what we should do rather than trying to fix them.
As a single woman I have mixed feelings about the whole dating scene. I kind of like my life. I can do what I want when I want and I don't have to report to anyone. Yet at the end of the day I don't have anyone either. I am not the cuddly type. Yet I want to watch the football or Hockey game with someone. I want to go to the beach with some one some times. Or have some one at home just to not feel alone all the time. But like I said I am content on my own too.
Back and Forth
We were once told we need to be stronger than men. And that we are just as good as men and anything they can do we can do better. Then we look to the church and we are told we are the weaker sex and it is ok. Then society comes back and wants to empower us and rise above men like they are holding us back. Then we are supposed to be soft and sweet and cook and clean and raise the children. Then the men started staying home and women were the ones working and then it was back to the men going back to work... It just goes back and forth. It's exhausting. I am not saying what is the right way and what is the wrong way. However we do need to find the way that works for us and our situation and stick with it.
Give and Take
Relationships now a days are so hard because everyone is trying to please themselves and not willing to give to the other person. Give and take has to have some kind of a balance. There are some men out there that will be up front with a women and tell her exactly how it is and that's it. Yet we as women some times get it in our heads that we are the only girl in the world and focus all our energy on trying to change someone or some things about him. Right there... STOP! We have all done it. We are thinking in our heads "I really really really like this guy and he's cute or handsome (whatever) and he's so nice. But this one thing... Oh no we're going to work on that. Oh and this too he's going to have to change this because this isn't how I roll. I am not living like that." Yet he has already made it clear how he is. Plain and simple ladies stop trying to change men. If you can't accept them for who they are then don't get involved. Don't think if you do A, B and C that he is just going submit to your will and ways. These men that will be straight with you and tell you just how to love them and be with them, they are the good ones. Now I'm not saying that all of them are good for you. But they are honest enough with themselves and with you to allow you to make an informed decision.
Respect
Respect your man, and yes he should respect you too. Men were created first... why? To lead, that's why. If you are making a decision together then do just that. And when your in public listen to what he is saying. If you are trying to make a decision and he says he does not care and the choice is yours than make the choice. Now if he never makes a decision then that could be a bad thing. The point is if he wants you to make the decision some times, then respect him enough to do it. Never belittle him to anyone. Do not put him down to your friends and family or to his friends or family. He should look like a king. Your issues are just that. Concerns in your relationship should be dealt with between you two. Don't go dragging your dirty laundry through the streets. Plain and simple it is disrespectful.
Honor
Honor him! If we listen we will hear what he wants and expects. If your guy is a sports fan, he's going to tell you and he is going to have rituals, he is going to want to stay in or go to wherever the game is on and watch. I can't explain it but if you are a sports fan like me you will get it. And I don't mean you girls out there that are ban wagoner's that are only into sports because your guy is. No I am talking to the ladies who like to watch and enjoy a game... whatever the sport is. You get it. If you are not in to sports then don't date a sports fanatic.... simple. If your guy is into cars or traveling or wine tasting and you are not, then again stay away. Find a guy that has similar interests. It sounds simple and like common sense, but you know who you are... you women who think you can look past all that because this guy is the one. Because again what you are not saying is "I am going to tolerate this for a little while and then I am going to start making my demands when I get him hooked. That is not honor that is entrapment. In Spanish you would be called a tramposa. Don't do it.
Cherish
Cherish him... Now I don't mean drawing hearts on your notebook type of stuff. Really hold him dear to your heart. He is a soul with feelings and when you are going to dress up to go to work every day and only give him the no make up and sweats all the time, well you are kind of telling him I got you and you just have to deal with what ya got. Nope! If he is near and dear to your heart then you will want to do those things more for him than the public, or the strangers that you deal with. He should get your best not just what's left over. Now calm down, I know we all have those days where we are just done. But not every day is like that, and if it is that is a whole other issue you both need to work on together. Don't let your job or your other relationships come between you. You need to work together on this stuff. No one gets to sit back and go on auto pilot. But again if he is truly to be cherished by you, then you won't let the outside things come in between you.
Speak his Language
Learn his love language. Figure out how he receives love and practice giving him love that way. Don't ever ever ever ever try to make him jealous. That is anti love and it speaks only to your selfishness. We all do it and not always intentionally, but we get in that mode of " well I did this for him and he didn't even notice, so I'm going to get all crazy and go do this and when the other guys are hitting on me then he will notice me." No, un uh, stop it!!!! Stop trying to get attention from him and love him the way he needs to be loved. If he doesn't love you back or at least try and learn your love language and work on his end of the relationship, then you can make an informed decision. You know, like an adult. Like a grown woman. You know we do that because bad attention is better than no attention. Trust me I am speaking to myself as well. I have posted the meme that says "If your a real man then you will act this way..." Just an example. I read through all those memes and some of them are true and then some of them are the stupidest things I have ever read. Stop labeling and telling other people how to be. All you can work on is you and if you can't be with someone because of how they are then don't be with them.
Accept
Accept him... Is that redundant? No not really. If he doesn't want to be with you or he just wants to be friends than that's it. He is not going to make an effort to be anything more. Make an informed decision. Get to know him. Don't date. Just get to know somebody before you commit. Don't get in his bed! It's over at that point. That's all it was based on. He knows more about you the first time you climb in his bed than you will ever realize. If it's love it will wait. If it is "I don't wanna be lonely" it will fade because you have just made yourself an option. Trust me, it's way better to be the choice.
Sorry Guys
So in a sense I am sorry to all you awesome men out there that have been jaded by us crazy women. We can do better. Can I get a do over? This is what I got for now. I could go on and on. But I just don't want to. Where is that damn bus? Stay well and be kind.
I don't want to turn this into some religious post or get up on some soap box, I am just kind of venting here for all those true faithful women who are over looked because some crazy ass bitch messed up a really good guy with her craziness and drama. We were created to help men to walk beside them, to love them.
In my life time I have seen so many different stages of how we as women are supposed to be. And when we get it twisted because we are watching what everyone else is doing, we lose sight of loving our men like they need and want. Yes, yes we have our wants and needs too. However, I think that is the problem. We get so wrapped up in us and we get selfish and don't give the right kind of attention to our men. Now I am a woman and I am only reporting on this side based on what I see, experienced and wrongfully done. Like I said I know there are men out there that have to work on themselves. But let's bring this back to the women and just focus on what we should do rather than trying to fix them.
As a single woman I have mixed feelings about the whole dating scene. I kind of like my life. I can do what I want when I want and I don't have to report to anyone. Yet at the end of the day I don't have anyone either. I am not the cuddly type. Yet I want to watch the football or Hockey game with someone. I want to go to the beach with some one some times. Or have some one at home just to not feel alone all the time. But like I said I am content on my own too.
Back and Forth
We were once told we need to be stronger than men. And that we are just as good as men and anything they can do we can do better. Then we look to the church and we are told we are the weaker sex and it is ok. Then society comes back and wants to empower us and rise above men like they are holding us back. Then we are supposed to be soft and sweet and cook and clean and raise the children. Then the men started staying home and women were the ones working and then it was back to the men going back to work... It just goes back and forth. It's exhausting. I am not saying what is the right way and what is the wrong way. However we do need to find the way that works for us and our situation and stick with it.
Give and Take
Relationships now a days are so hard because everyone is trying to please themselves and not willing to give to the other person. Give and take has to have some kind of a balance. There are some men out there that will be up front with a women and tell her exactly how it is and that's it. Yet we as women some times get it in our heads that we are the only girl in the world and focus all our energy on trying to change someone or some things about him. Right there... STOP! We have all done it. We are thinking in our heads "I really really really like this guy and he's cute or handsome (whatever) and he's so nice. But this one thing... Oh no we're going to work on that. Oh and this too he's going to have to change this because this isn't how I roll. I am not living like that." Yet he has already made it clear how he is. Plain and simple ladies stop trying to change men. If you can't accept them for who they are then don't get involved. Don't think if you do A, B and C that he is just going submit to your will and ways. These men that will be straight with you and tell you just how to love them and be with them, they are the good ones. Now I'm not saying that all of them are good for you. But they are honest enough with themselves and with you to allow you to make an informed decision.
Respect
Respect your man, and yes he should respect you too. Men were created first... why? To lead, that's why. If you are making a decision together then do just that. And when your in public listen to what he is saying. If you are trying to make a decision and he says he does not care and the choice is yours than make the choice. Now if he never makes a decision then that could be a bad thing. The point is if he wants you to make the decision some times, then respect him enough to do it. Never belittle him to anyone. Do not put him down to your friends and family or to his friends or family. He should look like a king. Your issues are just that. Concerns in your relationship should be dealt with between you two. Don't go dragging your dirty laundry through the streets. Plain and simple it is disrespectful.
Honor
Honor him! If we listen we will hear what he wants and expects. If your guy is a sports fan, he's going to tell you and he is going to have rituals, he is going to want to stay in or go to wherever the game is on and watch. I can't explain it but if you are a sports fan like me you will get it. And I don't mean you girls out there that are ban wagoner's that are only into sports because your guy is. No I am talking to the ladies who like to watch and enjoy a game... whatever the sport is. You get it. If you are not in to sports then don't date a sports fanatic.... simple. If your guy is into cars or traveling or wine tasting and you are not, then again stay away. Find a guy that has similar interests. It sounds simple and like common sense, but you know who you are... you women who think you can look past all that because this guy is the one. Because again what you are not saying is "I am going to tolerate this for a little while and then I am going to start making my demands when I get him hooked. That is not honor that is entrapment. In Spanish you would be called a tramposa. Don't do it.
Cherish
Cherish him... Now I don't mean drawing hearts on your notebook type of stuff. Really hold him dear to your heart. He is a soul with feelings and when you are going to dress up to go to work every day and only give him the no make up and sweats all the time, well you are kind of telling him I got you and you just have to deal with what ya got. Nope! If he is near and dear to your heart then you will want to do those things more for him than the public, or the strangers that you deal with. He should get your best not just what's left over. Now calm down, I know we all have those days where we are just done. But not every day is like that, and if it is that is a whole other issue you both need to work on together. Don't let your job or your other relationships come between you. You need to work together on this stuff. No one gets to sit back and go on auto pilot. But again if he is truly to be cherished by you, then you won't let the outside things come in between you.
Speak his Language
Learn his love language. Figure out how he receives love and practice giving him love that way. Don't ever ever ever ever try to make him jealous. That is anti love and it speaks only to your selfishness. We all do it and not always intentionally, but we get in that mode of " well I did this for him and he didn't even notice, so I'm going to get all crazy and go do this and when the other guys are hitting on me then he will notice me." No, un uh, stop it!!!! Stop trying to get attention from him and love him the way he needs to be loved. If he doesn't love you back or at least try and learn your love language and work on his end of the relationship, then you can make an informed decision. You know, like an adult. Like a grown woman. You know we do that because bad attention is better than no attention. Trust me I am speaking to myself as well. I have posted the meme that says "If your a real man then you will act this way..." Just an example. I read through all those memes and some of them are true and then some of them are the stupidest things I have ever read. Stop labeling and telling other people how to be. All you can work on is you and if you can't be with someone because of how they are then don't be with them.
Accept
Accept him... Is that redundant? No not really. If he doesn't want to be with you or he just wants to be friends than that's it. He is not going to make an effort to be anything more. Make an informed decision. Get to know him. Don't date. Just get to know somebody before you commit. Don't get in his bed! It's over at that point. That's all it was based on. He knows more about you the first time you climb in his bed than you will ever realize. If it's love it will wait. If it is "I don't wanna be lonely" it will fade because you have just made yourself an option. Trust me, it's way better to be the choice.
Sorry Guys
So in a sense I am sorry to all you awesome men out there that have been jaded by us crazy women. We can do better. Can I get a do over? This is what I got for now. I could go on and on. But I just don't want to. Where is that damn bus? Stay well and be kind.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
The Single Life
Are you single? This is a question we all hear and is a question we have to ask when we find ourselves interested in someone. I for one am tired of the game, the back and forth, the feelings and trying to figure out if they are real. I am tired of looking for the one who "completes me". I had it in my head for so many years that I could only be happy if I was with a man, married, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence life. I am realizing that happily ever after does not exist, or at least not like I thought it did.
Marriage is a tricky thing. Some people are made for it and some are just not. I was raised by a "single mom", who was married more than once. I watched the cycles of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Cycles? Is that how it should be? I'm really not sure. I grew up the good girl and always wanted to do the right thing. I always thought that if I was good my mom would love me as much as she loved my sister. I would only disobey my mom and her rules when I was mad at her for favoring my sister, and when I felt she loved my sister more. Simply put, I acted out for attention. I was such an attention whore from about the age of 15 until 26. I wanted attention from everyone, (good or bad) because I wasn't getting it at home or from my ex-husband, whom I married at the age of 19.
We never had a marriage, just two people sharing the expenses and having sex some times. We never knew how to love each other or respect each other or communicate as adults. We were living on infatuations combined with mixed feelings of loneliness. I remember always thinking "ok who was going to be my next husband"? I know I stayed in a horrible marriage because I didn't want to disappoint people. These people that were watching me. Church people, people in my community, our joint friends, all the people in his family and in mine. I wasn't going to get divorced like my mom because I wouldn't be able to find another. At this point in my life I was depressed and severely over weight. I ate my feelings and was living life on a hodge podge of beliefs.
I grew up in church and I remember being judged. I remember wanting all that those things that those church people promised. I wanted a God of love and someone who would forgive me. But they were never like that. I jumped on their bandwagons and I became a very judgmental person and let my heart fill with hate. Well then after my divorce when I was 26 I went through a shit storm of stuff. I now believe that it was necessary to make me into the person who I am today. I love God and I do believe in Jesus and that he died for me.
With that being said, my biggest fear is that sharing that information labels me as a hypocrite. I used to be. But because of all that I have been through I learned how to love people and accept then for who they are. I realized that I am not better than anyone. I still do things that "God doesn't like". I am doing the best I can with what I've got. I don't want to be the one who turns people off from God, and I am not using that as an excuse to do whatever I want. I'm working on me and I'm trying to make everybody feel like they're somebody.
What does this have to do with being single? The point is maybe your path and your beliefs work for you but that doesn't mean that it works for me. I am finally content with being single and this might be how the rest of my life will go. Do I want to be alone? Not really, but I do like being able to do what I want and not having to answer to someone. I like being able to go watch a football game or even better, a hockey game! Or going to the beach or having a few beers. I like being able to sleep in or staying up late. I enjoy having time to myself or spending time with those I choose. The next relationship, if any will have to be different. I don't want to get married, not really sure I want to have kids. I want to have sex. I want to clean the house. I want to mow the lawn. I want him to do the shopping (because I HATE to shop). I want to watch college and pro football. I WILL watch hockey. I want to spend time with him but with my friends too. I want him to get to know me and I want to know him. I want to be able to communicate effectively and drama free. I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the ice rink (sometimes alone). I want a lot of things... We all just want someone who gets us. But if we don't get offline long enough to really get to know people and stop living by memes and quotes, then were never going to have true friendships or relationships; plutonic or otherwise.
Marriage is a tricky thing. Some people are made for it and some are just not. I was raised by a "single mom", who was married more than once. I watched the cycles of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Cycles? Is that how it should be? I'm really not sure. I grew up the good girl and always wanted to do the right thing. I always thought that if I was good my mom would love me as much as she loved my sister. I would only disobey my mom and her rules when I was mad at her for favoring my sister, and when I felt she loved my sister more. Simply put, I acted out for attention. I was such an attention whore from about the age of 15 until 26. I wanted attention from everyone, (good or bad) because I wasn't getting it at home or from my ex-husband, whom I married at the age of 19.
We never had a marriage, just two people sharing the expenses and having sex some times. We never knew how to love each other or respect each other or communicate as adults. We were living on infatuations combined with mixed feelings of loneliness. I remember always thinking "ok who was going to be my next husband"? I know I stayed in a horrible marriage because I didn't want to disappoint people. These people that were watching me. Church people, people in my community, our joint friends, all the people in his family and in mine. I wasn't going to get divorced like my mom because I wouldn't be able to find another. At this point in my life I was depressed and severely over weight. I ate my feelings and was living life on a hodge podge of beliefs.
I grew up in church and I remember being judged. I remember wanting all that those things that those church people promised. I wanted a God of love and someone who would forgive me. But they were never like that. I jumped on their bandwagons and I became a very judgmental person and let my heart fill with hate. Well then after my divorce when I was 26 I went through a shit storm of stuff. I now believe that it was necessary to make me into the person who I am today. I love God and I do believe in Jesus and that he died for me.
With that being said, my biggest fear is that sharing that information labels me as a hypocrite. I used to be. But because of all that I have been through I learned how to love people and accept then for who they are. I realized that I am not better than anyone. I still do things that "God doesn't like". I am doing the best I can with what I've got. I don't want to be the one who turns people off from God, and I am not using that as an excuse to do whatever I want. I'm working on me and I'm trying to make everybody feel like they're somebody.
What does this have to do with being single? The point is maybe your path and your beliefs work for you but that doesn't mean that it works for me. I am finally content with being single and this might be how the rest of my life will go. Do I want to be alone? Not really, but I do like being able to do what I want and not having to answer to someone. I like being able to go watch a football game or even better, a hockey game! Or going to the beach or having a few beers. I like being able to sleep in or staying up late. I enjoy having time to myself or spending time with those I choose. The next relationship, if any will have to be different. I don't want to get married, not really sure I want to have kids. I want to have sex. I want to clean the house. I want to mow the lawn. I want him to do the shopping (because I HATE to shop). I want to watch college and pro football. I WILL watch hockey. I want to spend time with him but with my friends too. I want him to get to know me and I want to know him. I want to be able to communicate effectively and drama free. I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the ice rink (sometimes alone). I want a lot of things... We all just want someone who gets us. But if we don't get offline long enough to really get to know people and stop living by memes and quotes, then were never going to have true friendships or relationships; plutonic or otherwise.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Billy At The Bus Stop
If you live in West Palm Beach and have ever taken the bus or walked around, you may have met Billy. Billy is a very nice guy who walks around Palm Beach and takes the bus from place to place. Some times you might see him driving his lawnmower around in Lake Worth. Billy was a surfer and though I am not in the know about surfing or the Salt Life and all those things that go with it, Billy is very awesome person. He likes to chat with anyone who will listen. He always introduces himself and he will ask you your name if you engage in conversation with him. I first met Billy at Haverhill Baptist Church when my friend Julie started bringing him to church.
Billy won a surfing competition in the eighties, yet he doesn't remember it. After this he had an accident that left him with memory loss and depletion of motor skills. Billy is very inspiring to me. He gets out and meets new people everyday. He travels fearlessly around the county and engages in friendly conversations with all types of people. In my own life I know I get down at times because of struggles and set backs I have. I miss people that have left my life and I miss people I can't be with. But I am grateful for all the memories I have. Billy lost his memories of this great accomplishments. The surfing competition, houses that he built and other memories that he can't retain or just find in his bank.
We all go through things and we get down and sometimes we go through physical trials too. I wanted to share this because if you are going through it, don't stop, keep going. And remember Billy and take a lesson from him, stay positive and look for the good things. You have a choice you can lay down and die or you can get back up and live this life, like today might be it. Go big!
Billy won a surfing competition in the eighties, yet he doesn't remember it. After this he had an accident that left him with memory loss and depletion of motor skills. Billy is very inspiring to me. He gets out and meets new people everyday. He travels fearlessly around the county and engages in friendly conversations with all types of people. In my own life I know I get down at times because of struggles and set backs I have. I miss people that have left my life and I miss people I can't be with. But I am grateful for all the memories I have. Billy lost his memories of this great accomplishments. The surfing competition, houses that he built and other memories that he can't retain or just find in his bank.
We all go through things and we get down and sometimes we go through physical trials too. I wanted to share this because if you are going through it, don't stop, keep going. And remember Billy and take a lesson from him, stay positive and look for the good things. You have a choice you can lay down and die or you can get back up and live this life, like today might be it. Go big!
Monday, September 14, 2015
Thoughts About Lessons
So have the day off today and I am sitting here going stir crazy. Football game on at 7:10 and I can't wait. I am so in love with football right now. Fantasy Week One is not the best. I was not pleased with my line up and I benched Sanu and played Stills. So a little frustrated. But it's only week one. So I am not a fan of being alone. I love people and hanging out. Granted I prefer to hang out at a house rather than a bar or a club but I like to be with people. But I am not that person to push my way into anyone's life. I am content being alone in my room and doing my thing. Now I don't like being alone. But I have realized that I am not really ready to have a relationship. I think in the past I have jumped in to relationships too fast in hope to get rid of the feeling of what I thought was loneliness; when actually it was contentment that I was lacking. I am embracing the things that make me happy. But I must always remember that my joy (which is different than happiness) lies in Christ.
With that being said I try to keep myself in check. I understand not everyone is going to believe in the same things that I do and everyone sins different. I am on a self mission to love people. It has been brought to my attention by my very good friend Tim that I used to be a "holier than Thou bitch". Now those are my words and he put it so much nicer. He also brought this to my attention after I had realized it. I went through and still continue to go through life lessons that keep me in check of this reality. I have been through some shit. Also at this point allow me to introduce my mouth. I am not exactly a "sailor" but I do use the f-word (amongst other words with equal value) and I am sorry but it is just who I am. Again everyone sins differently, so if you don't approve of my language, I understand.
I am a very understanding person. I used to be very judgmental and thought everyone should be a certain way and held them to an accountability level that I didn't even hold myself to. Enter the hypocritical Christian. So I checked myself. Shout out to my church at this point. My church loves me. They took me in and embraced my imperfections and loved me anyway. They know I am who I am they never judge me and I am sure they shake their heads some times. You know like my mom does all the time. But hey I'm me, I am who I am and I am 100% real. My point in this is you may not agree and you don't have to agree to disagree. Just understand that we need to be more loving and accepting, instead of condemning and judgmental. Also my other point is pay attention to your line up because it could cost you major needed points. Happy Football Season All! Hockey is coming!!!!
With that being said I try to keep myself in check. I understand not everyone is going to believe in the same things that I do and everyone sins different. I am on a self mission to love people. It has been brought to my attention by my very good friend Tim that I used to be a "holier than Thou bitch". Now those are my words and he put it so much nicer. He also brought this to my attention after I had realized it. I went through and still continue to go through life lessons that keep me in check of this reality. I have been through some shit. Also at this point allow me to introduce my mouth. I am not exactly a "sailor" but I do use the f-word (amongst other words with equal value) and I am sorry but it is just who I am. Again everyone sins differently, so if you don't approve of my language, I understand.
I am a very understanding person. I used to be very judgmental and thought everyone should be a certain way and held them to an accountability level that I didn't even hold myself to. Enter the hypocritical Christian. So I checked myself. Shout out to my church at this point. My church loves me. They took me in and embraced my imperfections and loved me anyway. They know I am who I am they never judge me and I am sure they shake their heads some times. You know like my mom does all the time. But hey I'm me, I am who I am and I am 100% real. My point in this is you may not agree and you don't have to agree to disagree. Just understand that we need to be more loving and accepting, instead of condemning and judgmental. Also my other point is pay attention to your line up because it could cost you major needed points. Happy Football Season All! Hockey is coming!!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Well Hello There
This is my introduction. So if you are reading this you found me. Nice to meet you. If you follow this lil blog there are things that you will learn about me real quick. Now I could ruin all your fun and list them all out for you but what fun would that be? However there are some things you do need to know before you go telling me about myself. It took me a while but I am completely comfortable with who I am and who I am not. So I am not the best speller or proof reader and I am not always good at punctuation. However I am very accepting and I always take my time to respond rather than react. I made this blog to say what I got to say. And you can say what you have got to say. Remember though this is my platform and all I ask is that you be respectful. In turn you will get the same from me. Happy reading!Facebook Followers
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