I have been through a lot of heart break and I don't want to stay depressed. So I have to find what makes me happy and get into it. First and foremost what makes me happy is taking care of people. But it's just me and no one to take care of. So the next thing I like is sports. I am a volleyball player and I am a huge hockey fan. I can stay on a volleyball court all day. Or I could stay in a hockey rink all day. I also enjoy football. College football more than NFL. But hey football is football. Well back when college football season was starting, someone who I considered to be one of my best friends made a comment on one of my posts that really got to me. The comment was "Ok, I have to ask: when did you become a Buckeye fan? And a die hard one at that? And such a hard core football/fantasy football fan?" I am not really sure what her purpose was but all it did was hurt me. It hurt because of several reasons. It hurt because it sounded like she was accusing me of something. It made me feel like I had to go back over our friendship and explain why she didn't see this side of me. It was the first thing I had heard from her in months. So instead of accepting the hurt I got defensive and explained my football fandom from the age of 10 to 32. Ok a little dramatic but it pissed me off.
Sports and the beach are two things that are personal to me therefore if I do them with others, those people need to consider themselves special. These are the only things in my life that someone hasn't taken away from me. These are my escapes. Hockey makes me feel things that no one ever has. I love everything about hockey. I recently went to a Sabres' game in Sunrise, FL with a great new friend. I had a blast! I couldn't stop taking deep breaths just hoping to take that "hockey smell" with me. I love hockey! There is just something that I can't explain about it. I love what it does to me; its a high that I can't match. It will cure all brokeness and stop tears that remind me of loneliness. The same happens with football and fantasy football; it keeps me busy as well as turns negative energy into positive.
Back to the comments... I think this friend didn't see my fandom because my friendship with her began via our husbands, well mine is now an ex. But what she may not know is that all my ex is or was while we were together is sports. Now I get it men! You love your sports, I do too and there are games I want to see. And hell, on Sunday I want to watch football all day. But his sports addiction was insulting. It was the only thing he cared about. He worked on his fantasy teams and spent his time making sure his phone received every update to every football game, baseball game, hockey game, NASCAR race, every draft update, every breaking news story to every sport. Which fine great wonderful. But he made it personal he treated these updates like they were his only purpose. He couldn't keep his face outta his phone. We had conversations he doesn't remember because he was stuck to the sports updates. He ruined it for me. He could talk all day about NASCAR, baseball and Giants football with anyone. When I wanted to talk about sports or be included or just recognized for being there in his life, it didn't happen. I wanted to be included in his fandom. But there was no room for me. Then he became obsessed with porn and dating websites and had an affair. Who he has only admitted to me and one other person. But to everyone else I was the one who ruined our relationship. I may not have done everything right. Trust me I was a bitch because I was young and did know what love was. But he did everything wrong. Bottom line I just wanted to be included in his life he didn't want to include me. So I created my own life via sports and ministry and music. I have always sought a partnership in relationship, with my ex and those that came after him. I have yet to find it. I am a builder and a support person. I am better at building some one up rather than carrying them.
Avoiding the rabbit trail... My justification in my sports addiction whether others see it or not, lies in who I have become. They make me happy. They make me feel safe. They allow me to create friendships and true bonds that actually have the potential to last. I choose to be happy. I choose peace. I choose to continue to grow and learn about others and myself. I do this alone because I don't want to have another fake person come into my life that want to use me until I have nothing left. I'm good where I am at and I would encourage you to choose to be happy and content where you are. And if you get hurt keep moving and love like it didn't happen.
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