Marriage is a tricky thing. Some people are made for it and some are just not. I was raised by a "single mom", who was married more than once. I watched the cycles of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Cycles? Is that how it should be? I'm really not sure. I grew up the good girl and always wanted to do the right thing. I always thought that if I was good my mom would love me as much as she loved my sister. I would only disobey my mom and her rules when I was mad at her for favoring my sister, and when I felt she loved my sister more. Simply put, I acted out for attention. I was such an attention whore from about the age of 15 until 26. I wanted attention from everyone, (good or bad) because I wasn't getting it at home or from my ex-husband, whom I married at the age of 19.
We never had a marriage, just two people sharing the expenses and having sex some times. We never knew how to love each other or respect each other or communicate as adults. We were living on infatuations combined with mixed feelings of loneliness. I remember always thinking "ok who was going to be my next husband"? I know I stayed in a horrible marriage because I didn't want to disappoint people. These people that were watching me. Church people, people in my community, our joint friends, all the people in his family and in mine. I wasn't going to get divorced like my mom because I wouldn't be able to find another. At this point in my life I was depressed and severely over weight. I ate my feelings and was living life on a hodge podge of beliefs.
I grew up in church and I remember being judged. I remember wanting all that those things that those church people promised. I wanted a God of love and someone who would forgive me. But they were never like that. I jumped on their bandwagons and I became a very judgmental person and let my heart fill with hate. Well then after my divorce when I was 26 I went through a shit storm of stuff. I now believe that it was necessary to make me into the person who I am today. I love God and I do believe in Jesus and that he died for me.
With that being said, my biggest fear is that sharing that information labels me as a hypocrite. I used to be. But because of all that I have been through I learned how to love people and accept then for who they are. I realized that I am not better than anyone. I still do things that "God doesn't like". I am doing the best I can with what I've got. I don't want to be the one who turns people off from God, and I am not using that as an excuse to do whatever I want. I'm working on me and I'm trying to make everybody feel like they're somebody.
What does this have to do with being single? The point is maybe your path and your beliefs work for you but that doesn't mean that it works for me. I am finally content with being single and this might be how the rest of my life will go. Do I want to be alone? Not really, but I do like being able to do what I want and not having to answer to someone. I like being able to go watch a football game or even better, a hockey game! Or going to the beach or having a few beers. I like being able to sleep in or staying up late. I enjoy having time to myself or spending time with those I choose. The next relationship, if any will have to be different. I don't want to get married, not really sure I want to have kids. I want to have sex. I want to clean the house. I want to mow the lawn. I want him to do the shopping (because I HATE to shop). I want to watch college and pro football. I WILL watch hockey. I want to spend time with him but with my friends too. I want him to get to know me and I want to know him. I want to be able to communicate effectively and drama free. I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the ice rink (sometimes alone). I want a lot of things... We all just want someone who gets us. But if we don't get offline long enough to really get to know people and stop living by memes and quotes, then were never going to have true friendships or relationships; plutonic or otherwise.
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